25 year old me...

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Meet 25 year old me. I appeared happy, confident, friendly and outgoing but deep down I was anxious, petrified, lonely with 0 confidence. My life felt a mess!

It’s taken a lot of bravery for me to write this and click share, but after weeks of building my connections with beautiful, amazing people and hearing of the struggles, I wanted to let you know, you’re not alone...

Here I am, this was me, with a 4 year old precious son. Recently had separated from his father and was getting used to the new normal.

I’m not going to lie, being a single mum (his Dad did have him too during some days of the week) didn’t come easy to me. I suddenly had to work full-time, run a house alone, deal with loneliness, pay all the bills and take care of my beautiful son as well as my crumbling mental health.

Now back then ‘mental health’ wasn’t as big as it is now. People never really talked about it. I felt so afraid that if I was to open up about my feelings and thoughts, that everyone would think I’m crazy, or incompetent or my biggest fear, not capable of being a Mother. It was an extremely lonely and dark place to be.

The more I didn’t talk, the worse it began to feel. The anxiety grew bigger. The irrational and intrusive thoughts were louder and I had nobody to talk them through with. Can you believe I used to sleep with the lights on (I was 25) and the radio playing because I was scared to be alone and be still? I used to only allow myself to sleep for 3-4 hours a day because I felt the most vulnerable in quiet time. Of course this only amplified my ill health and things began to spiral downwards.

I remember confiding in a best friend at the time and she was so understanding, she told me that ‘only the intelligent, question their sanity’ and somehow this offered me some relief, that maybe it’s just because I’m an over thinker and it’s completely normal to have these fears. This gave me some confidence to begin to ask for help.

As things became too much for me, I decided to go to the doctors and through the shaking and sobbing I managed to share with him how I’d been feeling. I was expecting him to tell me he was afraid I could not cope and they’d have to call for someone to take care of my child (now as time has passed, I realise this was my biggest irrational fear), but he didn’t. He calmly and very casually told me, I’d been through a hell of a lot for a young person with lots of changes and very little support. He said anyone would feel the strains and he believed I was exhausted and stressed and told me to take time out to heal. Little did I know it’d take a lot longer than the two weeks on my sick note.

I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t accept that how I’d been feeling was okay and normal. That he just let me walk out of there like I was a capable human being, but he did! The next two weeks weren’t easy at all. With the time out, even more hit me but I guess that needed to happen, because running from things never helps.

That was the beginning of my continuous journey of learning how to take care of my mental health. I mean, I’ve always had anxiety since being a child and had my first panic attack when I was 18 but I think being a Mum just made it all the more worse. You have little ones depending on you and the pressure is on. So it was really important that what I did next was for the good of us both.

It took years of therapy to figure out what was going on. There was no magical cure, I messed up along the way a few times, made some silly choices here and there but I managed to keep my job and be a Mummy, which were the two most important things to me, they kept me grounded and gave me stability and purpose.

I’m 38 now and when I see photos of myself way back then, I just want to give my self a tight cuddle and tell myself that I am worthy, I am a good Mum and things will get better, (Wow, my cheeks are wet as I write this).

Some of the people around me, may have thought I was single mum, super mum and had my sh*t all together but believe me, inside I was crying out for help. I just didn’t realise that the only person who could really help was myself.

I am thankful the negative voices never won.
and that I found a tool kit which worked for me and I made it to where I am now. Still in the same job with children and people I love, married to an amazing husband with two more precious children and my mental health is healthy and taken care of.

My advice is ;
1. Don’t judge a book by its cover. You never know what someone is going through so it’s important to always be kind.

2. Secondly, if anyone else is having a bad time, please know that you can ask for help and if you’re getting the wrong help for you ask someone else. We all have different needs.

3. Thirdly, everything is temporary. You never feel the same forever and as much as good times pass, so do the bad times. Hang on in there, the world needs you!
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4. If anyone reading this needs to talk, my inbox is always open. I’m not qualified but I am happy to listen and share experiences.

​IG amotherhood_albie_lily
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